Reasons why it's not so good to say "Good Girl!"

I have always felt quite uncomfortable with the so familiar phrase “Good girl”, it just doesn’t sound right, it’s the kind of phrase I imagine used by a dog trainer to a dog, but definitely not to my child.

However, for so many people is the day to day cliché, the phrase is just part of their vocabulary in the same way as their morning coffee, something they have just become used to. The latest research shows that behind the innocent and seemingly good intentioned praise lays the harsh truth; in the long term, praise is not only ineffective, but damages our children and their healthy development.

Creates the confusion in the child who as a result values herself with the same value as the value of the things she does instead of being able to clearly differentiate between the two different things WHO she is and WHAT she does, SHE is NOT what she does. She is inherently good, nothing of what she does will make her less or more, better or worst.

The phrase is just an empty verbal cliché; there is no information in it, it is just a lazy substitute for actually communicating with our children, noticing and encouraging their efforts. It is more beneficial for your children to hear you explain what you see rather than make a judgement (that is "good" girl).

If your daughter brings a glass from the table to the sink say “Thank you” or “I appreciate it” instead of “good girl”. If she puts all her toys in the basket after playing show her that you notice what she did, say something more informative and specific like “You really filled that basket with your toys!”, “You did it!” instead of just a generic “Good girl”, “good job”.

Children by nature are eager to learn, when we acknowledge their accomplishments, without the judgement of “good”, we empower them to look for more experiences and open the opportunity for them to keep learning. When we use a judgement, they identify themselves with what they do, they think that they are good because of what they did, this tends to repeat exactly the same behaviour just to get someone’s approval rather than to learn or to experience.

Let her know that she is always a good girl even when she doesn’t make good choices.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn is a really good parenting book that deals with this subject

Slings, The art of Baby Wearing

A new born is always good news, but also synonym of sleepless nights and long, tiring days. Your baby seems to need you all the time and you end up finding difficult to get anything else done. However, traditional cultures have found natural ways to carry their babies and seem to successfully integrate their babies into their daily busy lives.

Babywearing has many benefits:

-Babies cry less and are happier when they are worn regularly. Research has shown that babies who are carried cry 43% less overall and 54% less in the evening hours. It has proved to be of special help with those babies suffering from gases and colic.

-Creates special bond with your baby. The physical closeness of carrying your baby develops a strong bond between baby and wearer. This closeness has also been proved to reduce distress and separation anxiety in babies.

-Increases baby’s emotional and mental development. Closeness to the parent offers emotional comfort to the baby. When carried, babies develop quicker a sense of security and confidence, becoming more independent and self-confident children.
Baby becomes spectator of how life and daily activities evolve around them. They see the world from their parents’ level, the extra stimulation makes babies to spend more time in a “quiet, alert state” which is the optimal for learning process.

-Encourages baby’s physical development. The close contact with their parents helps newborns in the transition between life in the womb to life in the outside world. Babies carried in slings tend to sit up and stand up earlier.

- More freedom. Because your hands are free you can carry on with your daily life. The care of your baby becomes easier as he joins you as a quiet spectator in your daily activities.

You have your baby close to kiss him, comfort him or talk to him without the need to interrupt what you are doing, and your daily life becomes easier, to take a bus or a walk, to look after your other children. The world is at your hand to enjoy!

Sing & Sign with babies

Sing and sign is a programme of familiar nursery songs and rhymes that teach babies and toddlers simple gestures by which they learn to communicate. It’s fun for parents and babies and engages the little ones that already recognise the popular songs.

Baby signing is a natural and normal process; even babies that haven’t gone through any training sign daily to communicate from a very early age. By singing and signing you enjoy a bonding experience with your baby. You only need to learn a few signs, some of them you will find familiar and the others easy to remember.

By teaching through music the experience of learning baby signing becomes easy and fun. Babies love repetition, they will learn the songs along with the signs and very soon you can see amazing results, as they enjoy the songs they will start signing along in short time.

Although sign language is practiced with babies from very early age, sing and sign have proved to be more beneficial for babies from 6 months onwards, as this is the stage where children start using signs more actively to communicate.

If you want to try it at home, there are different types of material you can try, DVDs or books. We recommend:
The very popular DVDs

Sing & Sign Books:

Elimination Communication, the Natural Infant Hygiene

Natural Infant Hygiene, also known as Elimination Communication (EC) is a way of communicating with your baby about his/her needs to “eliminate”. In other words, is the introduction of the baby to the toilet at a very early age, as early as newborn and, usually before 6 months old. Babies starting this process after 6 months old they are called “late starters”, and because they have already become conditioned to the use of diapers they might be less aware of their toilet needs.

As novel as this may sound, this is not a new concept; millions of women have done it in the past and, nowadays, it is still a normal practice in some parts of Africa, Asia and South America, here women carry their babies and are aware, at the same time, of their babies elimination needs.

The basic idea behind the practice of EC is the fact that, in the same way babies are aware of when they are hungry or tired, they are also aware of their needs to eliminate, which they try to communicate in a way or another. Although most of these babies are potty trained by the age of 18 months (usually when their diapered counterparts start this process) the emphasis of EC is not on how many pees you catch or how soon the baby is trained, but more in the process of communication between caregiver and baby and the special bond that is built as a result of this.

Among the benefits of practising EC are:

-Creates a special bonding between parent and baby, due to the close communication and awareness.

- Babies feel more comfortable. The practise of EC creates babies that cry less than their diapered counterparts, as they feel clean and dry. Some parents believe that the practise of EC prevents most of the baby rashes suffered by diapered babies.

-Promotes baby independence; as babies feel more in control and aware of their physical needs and ability to communicate them, babies become more independent and self-confident at an early age.

-It is a more economical solution, after all the practise of EC is a direct benefit for your family budget.

- Better for the environment; if you think “disposables” think better, actually they are NOT disposables. Diapers are not biodegradable and constitute the third largest contributor to landfills.

If you would like to give a try to Natural Infant Hygiene, these are two of the best books to get you started:

Sign with your baby

Every parent feels the frustration of trying to figure out what is the reason of their baby’s sudden cry; we often wonder what is going on inside her little head. It is hard for the adult and harder for the little one that feels the frustration of trying to communicate her needs without mastering the basics of the articulated language.

Now, imagine how wonderful your life would be if you could stop playing that guessing game and learn a way in which you could communicate with your baby, and she could really communicate back.

Research has shown that babies exposed to sign language from as early as 6 months of age, start using this form of communication by the ninth month.

As strange as this idea may sound, it is based on the children’s natural predisposition to use their own gestures to communicate with the outside world, pointing at objects and using their body language in different ways to convey their intended meaning.

Signing with babies is gaining more and more popularity, being of benefit not only to the babies but also to the parents.

For babies, these include such benefits as:

• Less time crying. Signing allows your baby to communicate clearly, allowing more positive interactions between parents and babies.

• Signing reduces frustration. Babies feel less frustrated when they are able to communicate their needs, parents can now respond to those specific needs and identify pain or injuries.

• Increases children self-confidence, sense of empowerment.

• Increased language development. Research shows that babies who sign usually talk sooner and develop a wider vocabulary, they also show more interest in books.

• Increased IQ! It has been claim that babies who sign have an IQ 12 to 14 points higher than other children by the age of seven.

• It creates a special bonding experience between parents and children, which contributes to babies’ happiness.

Since the development of the Sign with your baby program, the method has been used in many different countries, receiving numerous awards and covered by different media around the world.

Sign with Your Baby: How to Communicate with Infants Before They Can Speak is the book in which the American child development expert Dr. Joseph Garcia teaches you step by step how to communicate with your baby.

The Continuum Concept

After spending two and a half years among the Yequana Indians in the Amazon jungle, Jean Liedloff wrote about her experiences and findings in a thought provoking book. In this anthropological study she writes about her conclusions regarding children’s upbringing from a natural, instinctive point of view.

The main idea behind The continuum concept is that in order to become happy and confident adults, our children need to have fulfilled the expectations that as species, the human beings have developed through their process of evolution.

Among these expectations are:

• Babies need to be carried constantly in arms from birth until crawling age. According to Liedloff, in this way they are always present, always learning about life until they are ready to become part of their society.

• Co-sleeping with their parents until they feel ready to sleep alone.

• Breastfeeding on demand, responding to babies’ body signals. According to Liedloff, Yequana parents are always available when their children need them, responding to their body signals without judgment or sign of displeasure.

Children from very young age are respected and trusted as individuals, included in their parents’ daily activities and allowed to learn and explore their surroundings.

They rarely cry and, contrary to the popular belief, children raised in this way don’t become “spoiled” but happy, independent individuals with great self-esteem.

The Continuum Concept is in its twenty-sixth printing and has been translated into sixteen languages. If you are interested in natural, instinctive parenting, then this book is a must!

Header Photo Credit

Photo Credit: derPlau

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The header photo we are presently using in this blog is by derPlau. You can check this and more photos of this great photographer following the link provided.