Steiner Education

This is a very short post and also very specific, but I thought that some of you might be interested in Steiner Education, so I decided to post a short note to let people know a little bit in advance.

For those of you interested in Steiner Education there is the possibility to try out a taster Steiner class at the SW London Schools on Friday 6th March 5-8pm “An evening in the classroom for grown-ups”

If you are interested and you would like to find out more, go to http://www.waldorf-swlondon.org/

Sleeping with your baby

Co-sleeping or bed sharing with your baby promotes breastfeeding and bonding between mother and child. Co-sleeping is not a new concept and it is still a very common practise in many countries. In most non-western cultures co-sleeping is extended well over two years old and usually until the child decides to sleep on its own.

It has been proven that the sleep patterns and health in mothers and babies that co-sleep together are connected in beneficial ways.

Among the benefits of co-sleeping we can include.

-Babies breastfeed more and sleep more (not only beneficial for the baby but also for the mum)
-Babies cry less, suffer from less stress levels
-More breastfeeding, means healthier babies, that receive more antibodies and build stronger immune systems that help them fight disease.
-Allows immediate response from parents (emotionally and physiologically) due to closeness in case the baby cries, is cold, his blanket covers his head etc

Although there are so many advocates for babies to sleep alone, the benefits of leaving the baby to sleep alone have not been demonstrated. What is more, recent studies are actually proving that the opposite is true. Research shows that children who co-sleep are more independent, self-confident, self-steem and display a better behaviour (calmer children) than those left to sleep alone.

By nature children were designed to co-sleep next to his mother, where the infant feels protected and warm, and receives the breast milk on demand (as needed), exactly as it is expected by nature.

Research shows that co-sleeping if done properly is safer than leaving your baby alone. Japan, where co-sleeping is normal, is among the countries with the lowest SIDS rates in the world.

More and more studies are showing that mum and baby’s separation has detrimental consequences. The practice in Western countries to separate children that still need psychologically and physiologically the closeness of their parents should be carefully considered. Their emotional and physical needs have been naturally connected to their mother’s for thousands of years.

Two excellent books on the subject are:

Healthier alternatives to praise and rewards

This article is a continuation to the previous two Reasons why it is not so good to say "Good Girl!" and Why not to reward your children.

Although as tempting as it may seem rewards that might work in the short term, are ineffective in the long term. Children learn the lessons in life by trial and error, by making their own mistakes and by learning to make their own decisions not by following someone else’s instructions. When we interfere in their lives trying a short route to any conflict with bribes (or threats) their opportunity to learn is lost.

Some research advices on different alternatives to deal and reconnect with your children, some of these alternatives include explaining, talking and trying to look for a solution to a problem together, working “with” the child instead of trying to make them behave in our own terms.

1- We might need to reconsider if, after all, our requests are that important or even if they are reasonable. Instead of saying “Good job” to a three year old for behaving at the table in a restaurant, we should reconsider if after all it is reasonable to expect from a three year old the behaviour we would expect from an adult.

2- Try to work out solutions with your child. If your child makes a fuss every time he has to collect his toys, say something like “I have noticed that these days it is taking you a long time to collect your toys after playing. What do you think we could do to improve it?

3- Say nothing or give more specific information. Instead of “good girl” if your girl puts her coat on say “I see that you already did it by yourself” or just “you did it!”, “I see that you managed to do it, you look happy with yourself”

4- Get more involved and ask questions. Instead of “good job” when your daughter shows you all her toys in the basket, ask her questions like “Isn’t it nice how much room there seems to be to play now?”,”Are you happy with how the room looks now? They will make them realise that you have noticed it, but also they will help to self-evaluate their achievement. Or something like:”What was the one that you think it was the heaviest to put inside the box?”, “I am happy that you did it by yourself, how does it make you feel?”

5- Comment always on the behaviour not on the person. It is very important to help the child differentiate between what he is and what he does, phrases like “good girl”, “you are a good painter” confuse the child. Phrases like “I see that you did it by yourself”, “I really like the colours you used in that painting”, help the child differentiate between who he is as a person and the different things that he does in life.

It is a healthy desire to want to join our children in the celebrations of their achievements as well as to encouragement. There is no reason why we should hold back, we can still do it in a healthy way without the need manipulation or praise.

If you find this subject interesting, these two books by Alfie Kohn are excellent to read more about it:

Why not to reward your children

We all agree on how important is to support and encourage our children, to make them feel that we love them and help them in their way to become happy independent and self-confident adults. Contrary to what we believe, praise and rewards don’t help along the way, but it can become an important obstacle in their development.

Main reasons:

1- One of the main reasons we use praise it is just because it is convenient for us, not because it is beneficial to the child. They don’t need the praise, but by praising something that they did, we happily try to reinforce a behaviour that we would like to see repeated. It is just because of our convenience, in that way it becomes a way of manipulation.

2- Creates insecurity and increases children’s dependence on us; Children become expectant and reliant on our evaluations. Instead of learning for themselves and forming their own judgement, children do things searching for adult’s approval, increasing their dependence on someone else and the inability to make their own judgment.

3- Rewards create a bad habit. The more rewards the parents give the more rewards the children will need to keep motivated. Giving rewards creates a habit to look for more rewards. The children don’t feel motivated towards any achievement or activity but towards achieving the reward. In this way, the children loose the capacity to enjoy their own achievements and the consequent sense that will help them build their self-confidence to become a more independent adult.

4- Lack of interest. It has been proven that after performing a task that has been rewarded the majority of children will lose interest in repeating the task on their own means, that is, just because they enjoy it with no reward. It has also been proven that children will only perform to the length in which they have secured the reward, that is, the minimum required, once the reward is secured they wouldn’t put extra effort that will not be rewarded.

5- Decrease of creativity and natural curiosity, essential qualities to learn and develop. Children eager to receive more praise keep repeating what they have been praised for avoiding taking risks and exploring other possibilities that would offer the chance of not being that “good at”. Children that are allowed to explore without judgment, rewards or praise prove to be more adventurous often trying tasks that are above their level of ability, because they are not afraid of failing.

An excellent book that deals with the effects of judgment, praise and rewards in children is Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn.

Reasons why it's not so good to say "Good Girl!"

I have always felt quite uncomfortable with the so familiar phrase “Good girl”, it just doesn’t sound right, it’s the kind of phrase I imagine used by a dog trainer to a dog, but definitely not to my child.

However, for so many people is the day to day cliché, the phrase is just part of their vocabulary in the same way as their morning coffee, something they have just become used to. The latest research shows that behind the innocent and seemingly good intentioned praise lays the harsh truth; in the long term, praise is not only ineffective, but damages our children and their healthy development.

Creates the confusion in the child who as a result values herself with the same value as the value of the things she does instead of being able to clearly differentiate between the two different things WHO she is and WHAT she does, SHE is NOT what she does. She is inherently good, nothing of what she does will make her less or more, better or worst.

The phrase is just an empty verbal cliché; there is no information in it, it is just a lazy substitute for actually communicating with our children, noticing and encouraging their efforts. It is more beneficial for your children to hear you explain what you see rather than make a judgement (that is "good" girl).

If your daughter brings a glass from the table to the sink say “Thank you” or “I appreciate it” instead of “good girl”. If she puts all her toys in the basket after playing show her that you notice what she did, say something more informative and specific like “You really filled that basket with your toys!”, “You did it!” instead of just a generic “Good girl”, “good job”.

Children by nature are eager to learn, when we acknowledge their accomplishments, without the judgement of “good”, we empower them to look for more experiences and open the opportunity for them to keep learning. When we use a judgement, they identify themselves with what they do, they think that they are good because of what they did, this tends to repeat exactly the same behaviour just to get someone’s approval rather than to learn or to experience.

Let her know that she is always a good girl even when she doesn’t make good choices.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn is a really good parenting book that deals with this subject