Reasons why it's not so good to say "Good Girl!"

I have always felt quite uncomfortable with the so familiar phrase “Good girl”, it just doesn’t sound right, it’s the kind of phrase I imagine used by a dog trainer to a dog, but definitely not to my child.

However, for so many people is the day to day cliché, the phrase is just part of their vocabulary in the same way as their morning coffee, something they have just become used to. The latest research shows that behind the innocent and seemingly good intentioned praise lays the harsh truth; in the long term, praise is not only ineffective, but damages our children and their healthy development.

Creates the confusion in the child who as a result values herself with the same value as the value of the things she does instead of being able to clearly differentiate between the two different things WHO she is and WHAT she does, SHE is NOT what she does. She is inherently good, nothing of what she does will make her less or more, better or worst.

The phrase is just an empty verbal cliché; there is no information in it, it is just a lazy substitute for actually communicating with our children, noticing and encouraging their efforts. It is more beneficial for your children to hear you explain what you see rather than make a judgement (that is "good" girl).

If your daughter brings a glass from the table to the sink say “Thank you” or “I appreciate it” instead of “good girl”. If she puts all her toys in the basket after playing show her that you notice what she did, say something more informative and specific like “You really filled that basket with your toys!”, “You did it!” instead of just a generic “Good girl”, “good job”.

Children by nature are eager to learn, when we acknowledge their accomplishments, without the judgement of “good”, we empower them to look for more experiences and open the opportunity for them to keep learning. When we use a judgement, they identify themselves with what they do, they think that they are good because of what they did, this tends to repeat exactly the same behaviour just to get someone’s approval rather than to learn or to experience.

Let her know that she is always a good girl even when she doesn’t make good choices.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn is a really good parenting book that deals with this subject