Healthier alternatives to praise and rewards

This article is a continuation to the previous two Reasons why it is not so good to say "Good Girl!" and Why not to reward your children.

Although as tempting as it may seem rewards that might work in the short term, are ineffective in the long term. Children learn the lessons in life by trial and error, by making their own mistakes and by learning to make their own decisions not by following someone else’s instructions. When we interfere in their lives trying a short route to any conflict with bribes (or threats) their opportunity to learn is lost.

Some research advices on different alternatives to deal and reconnect with your children, some of these alternatives include explaining, talking and trying to look for a solution to a problem together, working “with” the child instead of trying to make them behave in our own terms.

1- We might need to reconsider if, after all, our requests are that important or even if they are reasonable. Instead of saying “Good job” to a three year old for behaving at the table in a restaurant, we should reconsider if after all it is reasonable to expect from a three year old the behaviour we would expect from an adult.

2- Try to work out solutions with your child. If your child makes a fuss every time he has to collect his toys, say something like “I have noticed that these days it is taking you a long time to collect your toys after playing. What do you think we could do to improve it?

3- Say nothing or give more specific information. Instead of “good girl” if your girl puts her coat on say “I see that you already did it by yourself” or just “you did it!”, “I see that you managed to do it, you look happy with yourself”

4- Get more involved and ask questions. Instead of “good job” when your daughter shows you all her toys in the basket, ask her questions like “Isn’t it nice how much room there seems to be to play now?”,”Are you happy with how the room looks now? They will make them realise that you have noticed it, but also they will help to self-evaluate their achievement. Or something like:”What was the one that you think it was the heaviest to put inside the box?”, “I am happy that you did it by yourself, how does it make you feel?”

5- Comment always on the behaviour not on the person. It is very important to help the child differentiate between what he is and what he does, phrases like “good girl”, “you are a good painter” confuse the child. Phrases like “I see that you did it by yourself”, “I really like the colours you used in that painting”, help the child differentiate between who he is as a person and the different things that he does in life.

It is a healthy desire to want to join our children in the celebrations of their achievements as well as to encouragement. There is no reason why we should hold back, we can still do it in a healthy way without the need manipulation or praise.

If you find this subject interesting, these two books by Alfie Kohn are excellent to read more about it: